I don’t have an Frequently Asked Question tab because no one ever asks me questions, perhaps because I only blog twice a month. So if I had a sometimes-asked-question, it would be, “What’s happening to your blog?” My reply would be, to my adoring fans, don’t get all George R. R. Martin on me. It’s not dead, its metabolism has simply slowed.

But as I was saying, I don’t get asked a lot of questions, which is a shame, because I have a wide range of expertise in many things. I have a Master’s degree, kids. They don’t give that shit out to nobodies.

So, in a sweeping gesture of grand magnanimity, I will relieve you all from the pressure of coming up with the Qs. De nada, of course.

Never-Asked Questions You Wish you Dreamed Up*

Q: * Yeah, let’s start with the big one: why the hell can’t I end a sentence with a preposition, you down?

A: It’s because some asshole named John Dryden who wrote plays in the 17th-century said so. Never mind that I can’t name one play Dryden wrote. Wait, yes I can – I Googled it an apparently he wrote something called “Annus Mirabalis,” which must be a joke.

Q: Does soda taste better when you sip it through a straw?

A: Absolutely. Its flavor increases threefold when you sip it through a coffee stir.

Q: What is more enjoyable – annoying hipsters, or annoying people who are annoyed by hipsters?

A: It is more enjoyable to annoy hipsters. You can do this by being an unapologetic fan of Bruce Springsteen or Blink 182, ordering Pinot Grigio at a dive bar, or being overweight.

Q: What was it like being the second person in your fourth grade class to have braces?

A: Humiliating. And painful. And even more so in retrospect, as I recall the relish I took in having orange and black, Halloween-themed rubber bands on my braces. Would you like to see a picture of me wearing my headgear at sleep-away camp? NO, you cannot, and I’m the one asking the questions here.

Q: Did you enjoy watching a matinee showing of Harry Potter last Friday?

A: Yes.

Q: Was it pathetic that you went by yourself?

A: A little.

Q: What can you do to make summer running less miserable?

A: I’m assuming you’re talking about YOU, not me. What I do is a combination of sucking it up and bitching about it until someone tells me to shut up (suck it, Dryden). For example, today I ran at noon, when my car thermometer read about 91 degrees. What did that feel like? It felt like death. Did I complain? No, there was no one to whom I could complain. We are all cognizant of the fact that summer running is a pain in the annus mirabalis, so just be happy that summer is about halfway over – YEAHH!!!!

Q: Who was the hottest male character on “Friday Night Lights”?

A: This is a tough one, as many of the characters on FNL were so attractive that it was hard for me to concentrate on the storyline. What? Moment of silence. But to answer the question never asked, the hottest male character on “Friday Night Lights” was Matt Saracen. Coming in second was Vince Howard.

Q: Should I do a half-ironman?

A: No.